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Every Saturday I chronicle my misadventures in motherhood, the workplace and life in general. If you can relate then make a fresh pot of coffee and join me. After all, we’re in this together.

5 Easy Ways To Get Your Pre-Baby Body Back

5 Easy Ways To Get Your Pre-Baby Body Back

When it comes to weight loss and trying get back to where you were physically before you had your bundle of joy, the information out there can be overwhelming. Carbs are good, carbs are bad, eat more healthy fats, coconut oil is a miracle, coconut oil is poison… what’s a girl to do? Well, fear not! Below I have comprised a practical, evidence-based approach to weight loss that actually worked for me. Follow this strict yet highly effective lifestyle change and you will see the inches melting off in no time!

#1: Get Your Heart Rate Up

Exclusively breastfeeding mama’s, listen up! This one’s for you. You’re already burning 300-500 calories a day as a walking dairy farm but did you know you can maximize your fat burning potential with one simple trick? When your baby wakes up to feed for the Bazillionth time between the hours of two and four o’clock in the morning, don’t hang around the nursery for your routine milking session. Instead, bring the baby back to your room, turn on all the lights, make some noise and nurse in the bed next to your sleeping husband. Don’t worry, you won’t wake him. He is literally in coma. Watching him sleep soundly and undisturbed while your nipples go through a red-hot buzz saw will be enough to send your heart rate straight into the target fat burning zone.

I especially love this exercise because it also doubles as resistance training… because you will literally be resisting the urge to smother him with a pillow.

#efficient

#2 : Increase Your Water Intake

We have all been lectured to death about getting in at least eight glasses of water a day. But the truth is, if you’re serious about getting into your pre-baby skinny jeans, eight just ain’t enough. Any fitness and nutrition guru worth their weight in self-righteous condescension will tell you clean eating includes a lot of water. If you’re a boy mom I have good news for you. Next time you change that little munchkin’s diaper, live dangerously and don’t use the pee-pee-tee-pee. Don’t worry about the logistics, they have perfect aim… especially if you are in a hurry, just finished your make up or wearing the only clean thing left in your closet. The five cups of cold coffee you had before eleven o’clock in the morning also count towards your daily water intake; so girl moms don’t despair, you’ll get there. Re-hydration is especially key after all the crying you’ll do in the shower,
every four days,
if you’re lucky.

#3: Get More Sleep

LOL. Good luck with that.

Moving right along…

#4: Reduce Your Calorie Intake

Doing the work of four full time jobs without any breaks, ever, is bound to make a girl hungry AF. This can make cutting backing seem impossible but it’s actually a lot easier than you think. All you have to do is put the baby down for a nap. Then, spend at least half an hour making something that didn’t come out of box, set the table and plan to eat with your significant other. The second you sit down to eat; your tiny human will wake up screaming, inconsolably, for you and only you. This is my guarantee or your money back.  Of course if that doesn’t work there is always my personal favourite which has proven to show quick results. Eventually you are going to find yourself out in the garage tonight (where only the neighbours can hear you scream) to contemplate every life decision that brought you to this point. So, head on over to your husband’s workbench, there’s bound to be a roll of duct tape buried way in the back of the bottom drawer. Tear-off at least a 5 inch piece of tape and place it over your mouth for best results.

If you get so hungry you think you might pass out, snack on the stale goldfish crackers you’ll find between the couch cushions while you’re watching “This Is Us.” But don’t forget to pour yourself another glass of water, though, because we both know you’ll cry through that too.

#5: Eliminate Stress

In case you missed the memo, stress triggers the release of the hormone Cortisol which raises your blood sugar, ignites your carbohydrate cravings and leads to the storage of visceral fat deep within your body (visceral fat is regular fat’s ugly and volatile cousin, once removed). The bummer news is that being a new mom is stress city. I don’t know about you but motherhood hit me like a high-five… in the face…with a chair. So how on earth are you supposed to find the time for self-care when you are barely hanging on until bedtime? Simple, try a little guided meditation. Whatever obnoxious Baby Einstein program you have playing in the background to distract your child these days, turn that shit off. Baby Einstein delays their development anyway and it’s doing nothing for your mental health. Instead, pull up your Kids Netflix profile and put on Peppa Pig, like, yesterday. When it’s time for your baby’s nap and you actually have a moment to yourself, Peppa’s generic Southern England accent will lull you into a soothing, mind numbing state of despondence. Before you know it twenty minutes will have gone by and you’ll find yourself wondering why you’re still watching your kid’s cartoons when you could have been watching something with intellectual fiber like Cityline, or The View. Instead, you just spent almost half an hour outside your body in some undisclosed yet peaceful spiritual location. The plus side? Now you know all about how to compost and why wiggly worms are so important for the garden. Winning!

So there you have it. Of course everybody will respond differently to any drastic lifestyle change. But these have proven to be fail safe and highly effective for me. I’ve already lost 45 pounds since having my son a year ago! So obviously I’m going to share my “how to’s” with all you lovely ladies. It would be selfish not to, really! So when it comes to your own weight loss journey…

Good Luck and Have Fun!

(and try not to lose your mind)

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